For this period of forced togetherness and self-quarantine, take this quiz to determine if you and your mate really are suited to spend so much time together.
1. Fill in the blank: I am a ________ person
A. Dog
B. Cat
C. Horse
D. Carp
E. Squirrel
2. If you chose “carp,” you did so because
A. It is a difficult word for your Uncle Jeff, the family bully, to pronounce
B. You are indifferent to cats, dogs, and horses, and squirrels are imbeciles
C. As an anagrammable word, it is subpar, but you’re crap at Boggle anyway
D. Carp don’t get sued
3. Of the following, which is your idea of an ideal first date (choose up to three):
A. Dumping the contents of your entire house in the front yard and selling everything to the first person who pulls up in a van
B. DIY project: rewiring your toaster oven so it won’t blow out the entire fuse box
C. Seeing how far you can drive with the gas tank on empty
D. Hanging out in a mafia bar and pretending you can’t see
4. Have you or a close associate ever impersonated a celebrity in the hope of illegal gain?
A. No
B. Yes
C. Not sure
5. Which of the following is closest to your philosophy of life?
A. If you keep your hands to yourself 95% of the time, you should be all right
B. I don’t get it
C. Confidence will take you much farther than a conscience will
D. It’s OK to steal from people if they are rich and need to be taken down a notch
6. If you believe in reincarnation, as which one of the following would you choose to return to earth?
A. Rhinoceros
B. Coffee mug
C. Bed pillow
D. Retractable compass
7. If you chose “rhinoceros,” you did so mostly because
A. They are biodegradable
B. That poker face
C. The other options are lousy
D. You are stoned
8. If you chose “coffee mug,” you did so mostly because
A. You have chronic fatigue syndrome
B. You’ve been told you have an oversized head
C. You are always right
D. You are a nihilist
9. Fill in the blank: “In the scheme of things, I think any individual life is of _______ importance.”
A. No
B. Negligible
C. Some
D. Amazing*
10. Which of the following would you choose to be your last words:
A. Sorry I never paid you back.
B. It looks like you have soup on your shirt again.
C. I don’t get it.
D. I read your diary. What a waste of time.
Note from the Quiz’s Authors:
*People who use the word “amazing” should be avoided, if not also ostracized.
We have found that people who choose “retractable compass” for question #6 tend to be shy and long-suffering. People who choose “D” for question #10, we’ve discovered, regularly cheat on their taxes.
If you and your mate have more than six answers in common, you are doubtless chronically self-congratulatory.