Date: October 18
To: All Quest Industries Employees
From: Mid Level Management
Subj: Returning Full-Time to the Office
Please be advised that as of one week from today, we will resume full-time work in our offices at 1 E. Wacker Drive, i.e. we will no longer observe a 3-days-in-office/2-days-remote schedule. Please do not grouse about this policy within our earshot. We have no intention of changing our minds!
Please also be advised that air fryers and heavy metal-extracting saunas are no longer permitted on these premises. The City of Chicago’s Public Works Department recently informed us that overuse of these machines was the cause of the frequent power outages throughout the Loop and the Gold Coast during the last several months, occurrences previously blamed on rats gnawing through electric cables. (We are not sure why rats are always painted as villains. They are on the whole straightforward creatures that do not lie about qualifying for the Boston marathon, gripe about their workload, or hide their billions in Caribbean banks, although possibly they would do this if they could—admittedly, we are not rat experts.)
Bread machines are not permitted in our offices either, nor are mini-muffins, brownie bites, or miniature lemon poppy seed scones. Only full-size scones, brownies, and muffins are allowed. Baby carrots are not permitted until the five moldering bags in the break room refrigerator are disposed of. Please also dispose of the remnants of what we believe is an eggplant parmesan sandwich on the lowest shelf. It might in fact be a salami sandwich but we are unwilling to investigate further.
Furthermore, special permission is now required if you wish to bring full-length mirrors, cashews, children, gongs, and service animals to these offices.