To: All Quest Industries Employees
From: Judy Kemper, Vice President of Marketing
Always get the last word.
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Subj: Lost cardigan—please help!
I seem to have misplaced a very important sweater and I’m almost certain I left it here in the office this past Friday. If you have seen my lime green Laura Ashley cardigan, size M, with pearl buttons, a small-to-medium gravy stain on one sleeve (left), and one frayed cuff (right), please tell me where you spotted it, and if this information leads to its recovery, I promise to give you a reward of your choosing, up to $10 in value. I do wish it could be more, but unfortunately, my husband and I are on a tight budget this month, due to expenses incurred when a tree fell on our car last Wednesday evening during a thunderstorm and another tree, unbelievably, fell on our roof less than an hour later!
What are the odds? And what on heaven and earth is going on with our karma? Not that I believe specifically in karma or anything related to the Hindu faith, but it does seem as if something strange is going on here.
By the way, if you choose to forfeit your reward for locating my treasured cardigan in light of Glenn’s and my current financial situation, I will be happy to repay the favor by searching high and low (for up to 15 minutes) if you ever lose anything of sentimental or monetary value in this office and are desperate for help finding it.
If anyone here at Quest Industries actually does know how to calculate the odds of a tree falling on your car and another tree falling on your roof less than an hour later, I’d be very interested in hearing what they are.
Here is some more information for the math nerd(s) among us: We have six trees on our property (well, four now, technically) and they are all about 50-75 years old: two birch, one maple, two evergreens, one gingko. There was a squirrel’s nest in the maple, and an unidentified bird’s nest in the gingko. The maple was the first tree to fall (on the roof) and the blasted gingko fell on the car approximately 48 minutes later. The car was parked in the driveway, about 8 yards from where the tree fell on the roof. The gingko and the maple were on opposite sides of the front yard and did not have overlapping root systems, as far as I know. Also, according to my mother-in-law, the gingko tree was haunted.
4 thoughts on “Interoffice Memorandum 2/15”
I began to knit you a new sweater, after reading your very sad memo. Ironically, I had been about to write to you to ask for a job in your department. But I cannot finish the sweater nor pursue the job idea because I forgot the sweater on the bus this morning on my way to the library which is where I do my best thinking and then got hit by a car and have to relearn walking so knitting is beyond me now and job searching a thing of the past as well.
With all best wishes to you, Agnes McDaily, Sr.
Dear Agnes McDaily,
Thank you for your thoughtful, if ultimately unsuccessful gesture – I do appreciate the effort, even if you lost the sweater and subsequently were injured by a speeding car.
It is unlikely I would have hired you, as I prefer to hire men of Italian descent with large muscles, but if in fact you are a man of Italian descent with large muscles (who also knows how to knit and has an unusually feminine name), I wish you a speedy recovery and would be happy to see you in the office for a job interview.
Sincerely, Judith Kemper
PS At this stage in our interactions, it is best to address me as “Mrs. Kemper,” not “Judy.”
Dear Mrs. Kemper:
I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your reply. I have been in a facility where I am relearning to read, along with the work on walking again. Your letter made me smile, on the inside. I’m afraid on the outside it didn’t look like a smile, due to my injuries. Your letter made me smile because you remind me of my husband, who also corrected me the time I addressed him by his first name. I tend to like proper people, but am not one of them, alas. Nor am I of Italian descent, nor am I a man. I may have solved my employment problem, however, as they have offered me work here going from room to room collecting jewelry and cash. I have a special motorized scooter that is whisper-operated.
Yours truly, and with best wishes, Agnes McDaily, Sr.
Dear Agnes McDaily,
Please be certain that the jewelry and cash you are collecting from other “facility” inmates isn’t made from glue, in the case of the jewelry, and in the case of the cash, was produced by an official US mint, not by counterfeiters. There has been a problem with counterfeit twenties and hundred dollar bills, also known colloquially as “Benjamins,” circulating among bona fide American currency in recent years.
Thank you for your attention to this matter,