Act I, Scene 1: Revolving Monologues: Roommate, Manager, Viva Mexico
Hey, Jen, can you like turn your music down?
Oh, and your dad called. Again.
I don't know. Something about coming down for graduation. He's called like three times, you should probably call him.
Hey, can I like ask you a question? O.K., so my boyfriend, Ilon, is always asking me how come you say you're Palestinian, right? He's like, "There is no such thing as Palestinian," but I'm like, well, that's what you say you are. Then he won't let it go and wants to keep talking about it, and he's like all blahblahblah, like the Jews and the Holocaust and I'm like, dude, I don't know, she says she's Palestinian. But then he's like, she's probably from somewhere else and she's just lying. And I'm like, why would she lie about that? So, I don't understand what the big deal is, and I don't want to have to keep talking about it, 'cuz it's kinda depressing. So can you just tell me once and for all, like, what are you so I can just tell him?
lights up and down
Jajeh, what are you again?
Palestinian?
You're not religious, are you?
Oh. Good.
You know last month, we hired a Persian. This month a Palestinian. It's like the goddamn UN in this office.
lights up and down
Hi, Jennifer. Yeah, hi, this is Pam, the producer on the Viva Mexico shoot. Yeah, hi, how are you?
Great. Great. O.K.
Well, actually, the reason I'm calling is well, the client-um-the client has requested that I ask you a question and, well…I guess there's no point in beating around the bush. Where are you from?
Right, uh, no, I know you're from San Francisco. But that's not what I mean.
Well, what I mean is-well, what's your background? Are you Mexican?
Right. I understand that you get cast a lot as Mexican, but that's not what I'm asking.
What I'm asking is ARE YOU MEXICAN?
Not really? What do you mean not really? Jennifer, you're either Mexican or you're not.
So you're NOT Mexican. What are you then?
Middle Eastern? That's not even close. I need to talk to your agent right now. We can't use you for this shoot.
Because this is an ad for Mexican tourism. We need a real Mexican. Not someone who just looks Mexican.
Yes, it does matter because I will know, and the client will know. I really wish you had told us sooner instead of wasting everybody's time.
Jesus, Jennifer, Middle Eastern?
Scene 2: Looking for Palestine on a map/Ask a Palestinian
So what am I?
I'm a person. A very sassy person. I'm a woman. I'm an actress. I'm fully five-four now-I just measured myself at the doctor's last month and somehow miraculously I grew a whole inch in my thirties. I'm effusive and gregarious, or so I've been told. I'm single, a San Francisco native, a scotch drinker.
But that's not what you really mean when you ask me what am I. You want to know where I'm from. That I'm Palestinian. And then maybe how I feel about that. Or rather how you feel about that. If I'm a terrorist, or an Islamic fundamentalist. If I hate Israelis. If I'm oppressed by the men in my culture. If I have sex, eat bacon, wear a burqa. And that leads to more and more and more questions.
You see, I'm always finding myself in these kinds of uncomfortable situations. I've spent my entire life defining myself for you. Trying to make my Palestinian-ness easier to digest, more fun, less threatening. But the more I do that, the more I feel like parts, huge parts of me, are being erased. Like the real me just gets watered down into a tastier, easier-to-swallow version. Like grape-flavored medicine.
So I'm gonna stop doing that, trying to make you feel comfortable. Oh, I'm still gonna answer your questions. But tonight I'm gonna give you the answers I want instead of what I think you want to hear.
So let's go over here and [music and dancing] Ask a Palestinian. This is how it works. When you have a question, you have to think real hard about it, and when enough of you are thinking the same question a light goes off alerting me, at which point the question will be automatically beamed into my brain and I'll decide whether or not to stop the show and answer your question.
So, last year…
light flashes
Already? O.K.
listening
Yes, I am actually first generation.
light flashes
Eww, no. There will be no belly dancing in the show tonight.
light flashes
What's my name?
Jennifer.
light flashes
What's my real name?
Jennifer.
pause
No, I don't have an "Arabic" name.
light flashes
Oh, what's my full name?
Jennifer Ann Catherine.
pause
No, that's not a weird name for a Palestinian. There are Palestinians with all sorts of horrible names like Tiffany and Heather and Amber and Melanie. My middle name is Ann, because my dad had a thing for a woman named Ann, which is really creepy if you think about it and I can't believe my mom let him get away with that. And Catherine is my confirmation name.
pause
Yes, confirmation. The Sacrament. I'm Christian. Catholic, actually.
light flashes
No, we didn't convert. Of course, there are Christians in Palestine. It's the Holy Land. The birthplace of Jesus. You know, Jesus? The founder of the Christian faith? Yeah, well, Jesus was born in Palestine, as was my mom. If you think about it, Palestinians are actually the original Christians. We've been on board this Christianity train since the get-go. So I don't know why it's become all about the Pope and the Italians, born-again Christians and televangelists. We were Christians when they were still living in caves.
light flashes
Do I eat bacon? Yes, I eat bacon. It's actually Jews and Muslims who don't eat pork.
light flashes
What part of Palestine am I from? Finally, a good question. I'm from Ramallah. It's a big city. It's in the news a lot-you may have heard of it. It's actually in the eastern part of the country. In what's now known as the West Bank, which is weird because it's in the east of the country, but anyway it is kind of confusing. Let me show it to you on a map. [map slide]
So Palestine is…Hmm. It's supposed to be right here, but it's not labeled. This is embarrassing. Palestine. O.K., here's Jordan, Egypt, Lebanon, Israel, Syria, but no Palestine. I'm not sure what's going on with this map. I know it's right there, I've been there. You know what, let me just show you Ramallah for now. Here's Ramallah… misspelled. Clint, there are two l's in Ramallah. Can you please fix that for the next show. So here's Ramallah misspelled in the eastern part of what should be Palestine. pause Get rid of this map.
Scene 3: Ramallah founding story
Ramallah was founded in the 1550s over a dispute about the marriage of a young couple.
East of the Dead Sea there lived this Christian community surrounded on all sides by Muslim tribes. The Christians got along well enough with their Muslim neighbors because of their diplomatic skills and economic power.
One night, Sabra, the head of the Christian clan, holds this banquet to celebrate the birth of his child. He invites the heads of all the other powerful families in the area. And the Emir, the head of the Muslim tribes, finds out Sabra has a daughter. He asks for her hand in marriage for his infant son so that the two most powerful families in the area can unite. Sabra agrees and the two shake on it.
Fast forward about 13 years, the girl reaches marriageable age and the Emir sends his emissaries to fetch the girl. Sabra had never really taken these marriage plans seriously because of the religious differences. And sends a message to the Emir. [heavy Southern accent] "I'm not marrying my Christian daughter to no Muslim man." O.K., I'm not sure he really talked that way. Well, this just pissed the Emir off. He sends his emissaries right back to fetch the girl. Sabra's like "I'm not marrying my Christian daughter to no Muslim man," and so in retaliation the Emir kills all of Sabra's livestock.
Now, I don't know if you know anything about Middle Eastern men, but they're a little proud. Sabra sends another message to the Emir: "I'd rather lose my property than my family." So the Emir kidnaps Sabra's two sons. "I'd rather lose my family, than my honor." The Emir ties Sabra's two sons to boulders and rolls them down a mountain, killing them. He then threatens to murder Sabra's entire family if the marriage does not take place. Sabra is proud, but he's not an idiot. He sends a final message to the Emir promising that the marriage will take place and inviting the Emir's entire family to a banquet that night to celebrate. Upon entering the banquet hall, Sabra's family surrounds the Emir's family seemingly to welcome them, but instead they take out their swords and murder them all!
Having just killed the entire Muslim ruling family, and as the only Christians in the area, Sabra and his family understandably have to flee. So they pack up and leave town in the dead of night, heading west and eventually settling in Ramallah. And that's how my parents' hometown was founded.
Scene 5: Ramallah Convention
Guess where I am? The Ramallah convention in San Diego. What's the Ramallah convention? Like every year, all the Ramallah people from all over the country get together for one week at this convention. Normally, I would totally hate being surrounded by thousands of my relatives, but this year the convention is supercool, because it's in a different city and we get to stay in a hotel. And the best part is my parents let me and my cousin Joyce have our own hotel room, with a queen-sized bed!
jumping on the bed
JENNIFER: Joyce, your cousin Jeff is so fine.
JOYCE: Ewww. You like my cousin?
JENNIFER: Yeah, and so does that stupid Tiffany. Did you see what she was wearing at the pool?
JOYCE: I can't believe her mom let her wear that bikini.
JENNIFER: It's so not fair, I liked him first.
JOYCE: I told him you like him.
JENNIFER: What? What'd he say?
JOYCE: He said he'll see you at the dance.
JENNIFER: He'll see me at the dance? He'll see me at the dance? What does that mean? Does that mean he likes me? Maybe he's gonna try to kiss me tonight.
JOYCE: Eww, you wanna kiss my cousin Jeff. Gross.
JENNIFER: Whatever. He's not my cousin. Is he?
JOYCE: Everyone from Ramallah is your cousin.
JENNIFER: Well, so what? Ramallah people marry other Ramallah people all the time. And if me and Jeff got married, I would be your cousin twice.
JOYCE: I don't think that's how it works.
JENNIFER: Yes, it does. You don't know.
JOYCE: O.K., so would you do it with him?
JENNIFER: Duh? Of course. Why do you think people get married?
JOYCE: No, I mean like before you got married.
JENNIFER: I don't know. Maybe.
JOYCE: You'd do it with him before you were married? Ooooh. You're busted. I'm so telling.
JENNIFER: You better not tell anyone. I didn't mean it. Come on. Swear. Swear on your Ricky Schroeder posters. No, better, swear on your one Michael Jackson glove.
JOYCE: Fine. I swear. I won't tell. Let go of me.
So that night I kissed Jeff. Well, kind of. I mean, he never showed up to the dance, but he did stop by our room later that night drunk and sang Caribbean Queen to me. Then we stood in front of our room door, I remember him leaning in, and then turning abruptly and throwing up. Jeff was the last guy from Ramallah that I ever liked. And Joyce's parents never really wanted us to hang out after that. So much for her swearing.
Last I heard, Joyce got married at 18 to some guy from Ramallah that her dad set her up with. She now lives in Burlingame with two kids and a swimming pool. Sad.
Scene 10: Who wants to be a Palestinian?
Have you ever noticed how every Arab who has ever made it in the Entertainment Industry happens to be Lebanese? Not one of them claims to be Palestinian:
Salma Hayek. Half Lebanese.
Shakira. Half Lebanese.
Kathy Najimy. Lebanese.
Jamie Farr. Lebanese.
Danny Thomas. Lebanese.
Monk (Tony Shalhoub). Lebanese.
Casey Kasem. Lebanese.
Vince Vaughn. Part Lebanese.
Eighties singing sensation Tiffany. Half Lebanese. Well, the Lebanese can keep Tiffany.
I think Lebanese is just code for acceptable Arab. I'd bet at least one of these celebs is a closeted Palestinian.
Let's face it, being Lebanese doesn't carry the same weight as being Palestinian. Lebanese is flashy, exotic, chic, and sexy. They speak French. Beirut is known as the Paris of the East. Lebanese women are seen as desirable.
And Palestinian woman aren't. We're seen as dangerous, reactionary, controversial, Israel-hating, Hamas-loving, baby-eating terrorists.
Maybe things would be easier for me if I were Lebanese.
Maybe I should just have a Palestine-ectomy. If I could have a Palestine-ectomy, would I?
In some ways it would make things easier. For work, at auditions, dating.
But what would I be instead? What would I choose to be?
Would I be white? Blonde? I always wanted to be blonde as a kid, but it's too late. No, that would just be weird. I've been brown too long. So I guess I'd have to be ethnic, but what? Like Mexican? That has way too much baggage associated with it in California. No, definitely not Mexican. So, something ethnic and baggage-free. O.K. Hmmm. Ethnic and baggage-free? pause Brazilian. Brazilian is sexy AND ethnic with no negative stereotypes. You never hear anyone say "look at those fucking Brazilians." Brazilian is perfect. Supermodels are Brazilian. I could be Brazilian. Oh, but the wax thing kind of freaks me out.
I mean, I don't know. My Palestinian-ness is such a big part of me. I'm not sure what would be left if it were gone. I'm not sure who I'd be.
Maybe I should go to Palestine...
