Contract

by Michelle Falkoff

After they had gone on three or four dates, decided they enjoyed each other’s company sufficiently, exchanged a few dry experimental kisses to test for the possibility of desire, they sat down to negotiate. In this day and age, they said, you can never be too careful.

You go first, he said. Women’s lists are always so much more detailed than men’s.

No, no, she said. I’m very low-maintenance, really. Let’s get your issues out on the table.

I’d really rather not.

Why don’t we take turns? she said, taking out a notebook.

Sounds good, he said. I’ll start with my primary concern, then. I don’t want to sign one of those AIDS contracts. I’ve been tested within the last two months, and I can bring you documentation of that. And I’ve been safe, all the time.

I have no problem with not having a contract, she replied, but what do you mean by safe? Do you mean you always use condoms?

Well, not always, he said. I hate those fucking things.

Then you can’t really say you’ve been safe, can you?

But I took the necessary precautions to keep from the exchange of bodily fluids, he said. Isn’t that enough?

She sighed. It might have been enough for others, but unfortunately I have more stringent requirements. You’ve already been tested, so I’m not really in a position to complain about your past practices. I hate condoms, too, but we’ll have to use them until a reasonable time has passed, when we are both secure enough in the relationship to feel confident that neither of us is interacting inappropriately with outside parties.

What’s a reasonable time?

That’s negotiable. I would suggest approximately six to eight months, but I could be persuaded to come down from that.

How about two months?

Do you really think you’d feel secure enough in two months to justify lack of precautions? she said, raising a tweezed eyebrow.

Sure, he said. I mean, it’s either working or it isn’t, right?

Not exactly, she replied. We might be doing fine but not really be ready for a more serious commitment. Or we might have concerns about having limited our options by committing to a relationship that doesn’t make us happy. At that point it would be easy for one of us to succumb to the temptations of third parties, should they arise.

I see, he said. All right, how about three months?

Four, with the possibility for renegotiation at that time....

Michelle Falkoff lives in San Francisco. This is her first time in print.