Tradional Style Indian Garage

by Chrystos

My old red car named PowWow Fever has a sun roof which leaks, which I’ve renamed a rain roof. There isn’t a car port attached to my little green rental cabin, which has floors so crooked, my cakes come out half-mast. My car is bigger than my kitchen, which gives you a sense of the proportionate meaning of things. Naturally, being a Menominee warrior, I’m too broke to get her roof fixed, because most of the money I make goes for repairs to keep her running, so I can get to work. This place, in common with many reservations, has no bus system. Actually, this is a genuine antique story at the moment (and my car only has two years to go in order to qualify), because she hasn’t been running for five months. She’s on sabbatical to write the novel about how much hell living with me is. Anyway, since we live in the Northwest, I can get a quart of cold rainwater splashed down the back of my neck when I start her up, unless I use my Traditional Style Indian Garage. This is very easy to replicate, if you are working on your Girl or Boy Scout merit badge in crafts. Scout around for a strong, extra-thick, large trash bag with no holes. Black is the preferred color, but many tribes have assimilated the dark green ones. Place this over the sun roof, making sure to go past all the seams. Weigh this down in the four corners with logs and bricks. If you’d like, you may sing a little song to the Beaver Nation. Beadwork is not recommended for ornamentation, but the logs and bricks can be painted with sun symbols using yellow ochre clay, dug up only from approved pits. This adds some extra magic, which keeps you dry. Relatively speaking. The author will be happy to travel anywhere for green gas money and a red steak to demonstrate this method in person. Periodically check the bag and your soul for holes. This traditional garage can be stored in your trunk, an important consideration for us nomadic people. This garage has also been advertised on TV by a genuine Indian (not Latino) actor, so the historical significance cannot be overlooked. This has many outstanding features lacking in your ordinary garage. While arranging the bricks, I enjoy the stars and moon. I hear the sea lions hollering hello. Often, my four cats assist, by walking across it to test for air bubbles. If I’m really in luck, the transformer across the street will blow out in a blaze of glorious atomic aquamarine turquoise light. Somebody said the emanations of this event, which is the end of watching TV for a spell, cause cancer. Emanations is a mighty big word for a traditional Indian story, but I was accidentally caught in the crossfire of a few college English courses. So far, no one will give me disability for my wounds. I’m not too worried—I’m an Indian, so somebody is sure to kill me before I die an unnatural death. As for cancer, I have a list in my wallet of all my friends who have died from that, and not one of them lived near a transformer. I actually may already have cancer, but there’s no way to tell without health insurance, which is why I keep thinking of migrating to Canada. Unfortunately, my people were a little too far south to claim dual borders. That is, below the lakes, not crazy. Although you could say we were crazy not to be more like the Dakota, so we could have had a car named after us. I’ve driven a Cherokee, but she wasn’t a jeep. I just have no respect! If you’ve been worried about paragraphs in this little monograph, there aren’t going to be any. If you really need them, send along some money to this orphan with uncombed hair, so I can go back to college. Or, at least, buy a comb. The only possible problem with the garage is if the user forgets to remove the garage before driving away. This will cause dents in your hood or trunk and possible broken windows, so take precautions. This is the Voice of Experience. When removing your garage, stand well away, so you don’t get wet. Always put the bricks or logs in your trunk first, to prevent ripping the garage. This garage is covered by Intellectual Property Rights, so a fee must be sent to the author— at least enough for a steak. If you are a vegetarian, send clean black cotton socks with no holes, which are a part of the traditional costume. For those of you without a car, this garage transforms miraculously, with a few snips, into an all-purpose rain-and-snow coat. In this case, some beadwork is allowed along the facial edge. This usage of the garage is particularly prevalent among the urban homeless tribes, who have also revived the new health trend for sleeping outside in all weather. We are conducting interviews to reveal the language-grouping from which the garage originated. Some Native scholars are of the opinion that this garage is a historical re-creation of an item found when Custer bit the mud. A government-funded convention is expected to decide the matter once and for all. Look for my free Ph Skin dissertation on the Spider Web at Dot’s commissary on bing0 night. This is my gift to you in honor of our long and pleasant tea party here on Turtle Island. Accept no substitutes.

Chrystos lives on Bainbridge Island, Washington. Her most recent book is Fugitive Colors (Cleveland State University Poetry Center). E-mail: creeptoes@yahoo.com