Interoffice Memorandum 1/15

Office PlantDate: ​January ​15​
To: All Quest Industries Employees
From: Mid-Level Management
Subj: Live Plant Policies in the Office

A short note on office policy regarding potted plants and floral bouquets:

a) If you enjoy the company of a potted plant on your desk, please water it as needed in order to keep it from becoming an unsightly and dispiriting brown heap of tendrils, leaves, stalks, stems, pistils, stamens, husks, pods, and/or roots.

b) If you have received a bouquet and are keeping it at your desk, please do not, under any circumstances, balance it on the edge of your cubicle wall where it will inevitably be bumped and dislodged by a passing coworker and crash down upon his/her person, thus potentially resulting in grievous injury, permanent disability, and in some cases, death or dismemberment.

c) Cacti are not permitted inside or within 500 feet of our offices; we regret this exclusion, but due to an incident that occurred last spring on these premises with a visiting Nepalese diplomat, we must outlaw all cacti at Quest Industries; in fairness to the cactus involved in the incident, it is possibly true that the Nepalese diplomat is an extremely clumsy individual—nonetheless, in order to avoid future cacti-diplomat-related incidents, no members of this plant species are permitted anywhere on our property.

d) Some plants are known to attract various airborne insects; for example, gnats and an unidentified species with flea-like characteristics have been sighted in recent weeks swarming the three potted plants on Bill Dubonski’s desk; Bill has kindly and ungrudgingly addressed this situation with great success by spraying his miniature ficus, potted ivy, and a mongrel species of flowering plant with water containing a mild detergent.  No gnats or flea-like creatures have been spotted for the past 4 days swarming his cubicle or any neighboring cubicles.  Thank you, Bill.  With 72 hours’ advance notice, Bill has informed us that he is willing to offer his special spray bottle to anyone in the office who might require it.

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3 Responses to Interoffice Memorandum 1/15

  1. John Welsh says:

    Ms. Sneed: awesome. very much enjoyed this. Keep writing. More please.

    • Thanks so much, John–oh, office culture. Zyzzyva published another one of these memos on Dec. 25 if you look back at that date on their blog – “Secret Santa Protocols.
      Be sure to keep an eye on your plants.

    • ZYZZYVA says:

      We’re so glad you enjoyed Christine Sneed’s piece. As for your request for more – keep your eyes peeled on the blog next week…

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